Asian Monkey Lips
by sugaredkiwi
Summary: BleachxDevil May Cry: Dante catches Ichigo doing something embarrassing and gives him an ultimatum: Either smack Vergil on the lips one time or suffer the consequences. Who said Dante wasn't as evil as Vergil? ONESHOT/MEME RESPONSE


**Author's Notes: **Ahaha, I owe an explanation for this atrocity. Back in the dark ages I was in a multi fandom rp, where there was a Vergil, a Dante, an Ichigo, and an amazing Isshin. Dante and Ichigo were about as tight as they could be (along with Riku from Kingdom Hearts...We're still not sure how that happened), and Vergil and Ichigo were about as friendly as those two could be with one another (read: not very much).

During the course of this rp, I posted the 'first kiss' meme in my livejournal, and opened the floor to a slew of multi fandom characters. And someone requested this. For that? I am truly, truly sorry.

Vergil is pre-DMC3 and Ichigo is just post-Soul Society.

* * *

It had been a dare. It was a dumb dare, that Ichigo should have turned down, but the way it had been presented...Well. He wouldn't lie. Sometimes Dante came off more persuasive than anyone would have given him credit for, and ended up showing he was more like his elder twin brother than he would ever, ever admit to. It was a dumb dare, and Ichigo had been dumb enough to take it, as it had been far better than any of the alternatives.

And he knew _why_ Dante wanted him to do it, too. It was for Dante's own personal shits and giggles, because the overgrown idiot was no doubt hiding in a nearby bush or tree, with a camera ready, all in the name of adding to his personal collection of times he'd embarrassed the hell out of his twin, no matter who it might involve and get killed in the process.

And Ichigo was pretty sure that was one thing that would get him killed deader than a doornail and faster than he could imagine.

But he couldn't back out! He couldn't, which was why he found himself marching through the park, having pinpointed his prey there, searching high and low for him, at one point having climbed the monkey bars and had stood there at the top, looking about as far as he could, just so he could get it over with.

It wasn't long, as he prowled across the sandpit, before he'd spotted the blob of blue and white in the distance, and took to the trees. He was being sneaky, running about as a shinigami rather than his normal self, because he knew - knew - he'd needed to be armed for after, so that he could flee and escape alive. He'd just have to get back home, where Beardo waited. No one could escape the wrath and reach of Beardo; not even Vergil himself, no matter how slick or badass the twin in blue thought he was.

Ichigo skipped along quickly, closing in as Vergil paused at a bench and sat his book down there, and dropped to the ground, moving silently over the grass as he approached from behind. He was lucky, in the sense that shinigami felt so differently from the things Vergil was used to having approach, that it gave him an advantage for what he was being forced to do. And it was all Dante's fault. When it was over, Ichigo was going to beat Dante stupid, which was something he was sure the other twin was used to, with Vergil for a brother, and he was going to collect any evidence of what was about to take place, and he was going to burn it.

Vergil turned, feeling Ichigo just as he got close enough to make a grab for him, and opened his mouth, obviously about to demand what the Asian monkey was doing there, when Ichigo grabbed his shoulders and dug in with the tips of his fingers, to be sure Vergil couldn't pull away. Vergil flailed, almost ripping free, and Ichigo cursed him bitterly as he moved to wrap his arms around Vergil's arms at the elbows, to pin them to his sides, only offering a growled and heavily accented, "I didn't want to do this, so you know," before leaning in.

And Vergil saw it coming. He did, as his eyes widened and he attempted to lean back, trapped in Ichigo's grip. And he was going to chew the other's face off, of that Ichigo was sure. But he _had_ to, or Dante would never let him live the _other_ down, so it was a smaller humiliation, where he could claim he was being violated, in exchange for a larger one.

It had made sense at the time, at least.

And then it happened. Scowl in place, eyes screwing up tight so he wouldn't have to see what he was doing (and so he could fully imagine it was someone - _anyone_ - else), Ichigo got close enough to press his mouth to Vergil's in a very forceful, very childish kiss. He was just glad he'd managed to talk Dante out of having to make it look like a 'grown up' kiss, or Ichigo was sure he'd have walked away from it with no tongue to speak of, as he was absolutely sure Vergil would bite it off.

It didn't last long; fifteen seconds at the most, and fifteen seconds too long, before Ichigo released Vergil with a shove, and he reached up and scrubbed hard at his mouth with the back of his hand, as Vergil stumbled to remain upright, looking vaguely green around the gills himself.

"What." Ichigo was in trouble. He could just tell. "The hell." A lot of trouble. "Are you _doing_, you _retarded Asian monkey_." Vergil's voice had risen, with each word, until the last were shouted, echoing over the park. "Butcher you. _Butcher_ you. I _knew_ you had plans to molest me. _Knew it_, with your beady Asian eyes and- _Where are you going, Kurosaki_?"

The last was shouted after him, as he tugged Zangetsu from his back, to have on hand, and took off running, in the opposite direction from which he'd come, where the trees were thicker in the park, and he hoped to get more easily lost there, away from Vergil, in order to make it home. He was dead if the elder demonic twin caught him. Dead.

In a flash, he was up in the trees once more, hearing the thud of Vergil's boots on the ground below closing in, before taking off, skipping from tree to tree, faster than he hoped Vergil could keep up with, and spotted the road up ahead. The road would take him right home, and it wasn't far, if he could make it.

And when his feet hit the pavement, he didn't glance back, instead tearing into a run faster than he'd thought himself capable of, home free for the moment.


End file.
